The Wild Tonberries
by Carbuncle
Summary: Tidus does a job for the Mafia.


FINAL FANTASY X  
  
The Wild Tonberries  
  
(Open to Luca, the streets. Wakka and Rikku walk over to the Luca Apartments and enter.)  
  
(Cut to the Luca Apartments, Tidus' apartment. Tidus is sorting through some assorted boxes on the floor. The doorbells rings.)  
Tidus: Ju... Just a second! (answers the door to see Wakka and Rikku in the hall) Oh, hey guys! Come in!  
Rikku: (she and Wakka walk in) So this is your new apartment? Pretty snappy!  
Wakka: Yeah, you got a nice place here, brudda. Lemme tell ya. Man, I'd kill for a place like this.  
Tidus: Aw, knock it off, you guys. Stop pretending. It sucks and you know it.  
Wakka: Oh, yeah, well, I didn't wanna say anything 'cause, uh, y'know how it is... I feel kinda bad enough that you have to live here already, without rubbing it in even further.  
Tidus: ...thanks, Wakka.  
Rikku: It's not that bad, Tidus. I mean, hey, it's better than my first apartment.  
Tidus: Really??  
Rikku: ...no. But we can pretend it is! (Tidus sighs)  
Wakka: Anyways, me and Rikku came over to ask you if you wanted to come to the Monster Arena with us. Some doozy's gonna try and fight Nemesis without any armour OR weapons. Guy has a death wish, if ya ask me.  
Tidus: I think I'll pass. I still have a lot to do here first. I mean, I haven't even set my bed up yet.  
Rikku: Aw, c'mon, Tidus! Don't be such a stick in the mud!  
  
(Cut to the Moonflow, South Bank. A stick is trying to pull itself out of some mud.)  
Stick: Aw, for cryin' out loud!!  
  
(Cut back to the Luca Apartments, Tidus' apartment.)  
Wakka: Yeah. You can set up your bed when you get back. Chances like this only occur once every few hours.  
Tidus: Well... all right then. Lead the way.  
  
(Cut to the Calm Lands, the Monster Arena. Lots of people have gathered there. Tidus, Wakka and Rikku are among the crowds.)  
Wakka: This is gonna be sooo sweet. I can't wait.  
Rikku: It's hard enough to beat Nemesis WITH weapons and armour. I can't imagine taking it on without either.  
Tidus: Who is this guy anyway? Is he a celebrity or something? Don't tell me it's Auron.  
Rikku: (gasps) You don't think it IS Auron, do you, Wakka?!  
Wakka: No! Of course it's not Sir Auron! It's this guy here in the newspaper. (holds up the Luca Times) John Smith, from Bevelle.  
Tidus: John Smith? Man, what a weird name!  
Rikku: Yeah. It sounds like the kind of name you'd give to a fictional RPG character.  
Tidus: Yeah. "John Smith gets fired from work and needs your help to find a new job!" (he and Rikku laugh)  
Wakka: Shhh!! The fight's about to start!  
Owner: And now, ladies and goons, the man who will single handedly take on the king of monsters - the mighty Nemesis - John Smith!! (a nerdy looking guy with glasses enters the arena and waves at the crowd)  
Tidus: That's him?? Heh, he doesn't even have any muscles!  
Rikku: He probably keeps them in his laptop computer! (she and Tidus laugh)  
Wakka: Shhh!! Give the little Pointdexter a break, ya?!  
Owner: Release the monster!! (pause) Oh yeah, that's my job! (pulls a lever which releases Nemesis from its cage)  
John Smith: All right, I'm ready for 'im! I'm ready for 'im! (sees Nemesis) I'm--oh, crap! That's Nemesis?!  
Owner: Yes, that's our Nemmy. He won us an Emmy.  
John Smith: I thought Nemesis was the wimpy looking creature with the big beak and the feathers!  
Owner: No, that's the condor. That, or Sesame Street's Big Bird.  
John Smith: I can't fight this thing! I'll be killed!!  
Owner: You should've thought about that BEFORE you agreed to fight 'im. Now, get in there and shake your booty! (pushes John towards Nemesis, as the crowd cheers)  
John Smith: Yaaah!!  
Wakka: Look at that! Look how psyched up he is! He's gonna kill out there tonight! (Nemesis picks John up and starts swinging him around in the air)  
Tidus: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. He's really puttin' the smackdown on that nasty ol' Nemesis. I'm out of here. (leaves)  
John: Get me down from here!! (Nemesis throws him onto the floor and steps on him) Urk!  
Owner: ...and the winner is, unsurprisingly, Nemesis!  
Nemesis: Hurray!! (to the Owner) Now, about my last pay check... (the Owner laughs nervously)  
  
(Cut to Luca, the Luca Apartments, Tidus' apartment. Tidus, Wakka and Rikku return.)  
Wakka: Ah, man! What a complete disappointment, ya? I can't believe we wasted a whole afternoon watching that damn fight when we could've been... uh...  
Tidus: ...helping me set up my apartment?  
Wakka: Like I said, what a great way to spend the afternoon. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. How about you, Rikku?  
Rikku: Eh... I had more fun at the beach that one time. (Carbuncle: That's a reference to another fanfic on this site, which I might add, I didn't write, but it's worth mentioning all the same.)  
Wakka: Well, I'd better be getting back home to Besaid. If I hurry now, then I won't miss the next ship.  
Tidus: Why don't you guys just stay here tonight?  
Wakka: And sleep on the cold, hard floor? No thanks.  
Tidus: Yeah. I wish Auron would've told me he didn't have time to put in a carpet yet. If I took my socks off, my toes'd drop off.  
Rikku: See ya, Tidus.  
Tidus: Oh, wait! Before you guys go, I had an interesting conversation with a Tonberry earlier.  
Wakka & Rikku: What?!?!  
Tidus: I had an interesting conversation with a Tonberry earlier...  
Wakka & Rikku: What?!?!  
Tidus: Look, I'm not repeating myself again.  
Wakka: Are you insane, brudda?!  
Tidus: Why?  
Wakka: Don't you know?!  
Rikku: The Tonberries are bad news, Tidus. You'd be advised to stay well clear of them. But anyway, I'm curious, what'd they say?  
Wakka: Rikku!!  
Rikku: Aw, come on, Wakka! You're as intrigued as I am!  
Tidus: Well, it was the strangest thing. This Tonberry was just hanging around down a dark alley outside the Arena. I was walking past him, and the next thing I knew, he was offering me 3000 Gil to deliver (pulls out a small box) this package for him to some guy in Kilika.  
Wakka: G'ah!!  
Rikku: Ooh, what's in it?! Is it drugs?! Stolen diamonds?! Master Spheres?!  
Tidus: No, it's... I actually haven't looked. He said if I opened it, then he'd "teach me a lesson I'd never forget" or something.  
Wakka: Oh, my Yevon! What the hell've you gotten yourself into, brudda?! This is bad! This is extremely not good!!  
Tidus: What's your problem, Wakka? So I said I'd deliver some tiny package for easy money for a Tonberry, big deal! Geez, anyone would think I'd offered to do a favour for the Mafia or something. (Wakka and Rikku looked stunned) Guys?  
Wakka: Tidus, 'round Spira, the Tonberries ARE the Mafia!!  
Tidus: Oh... shi-  
  
(Cut to the Luca Apartments, Tidus' apartment, a little later.)  
Tidus: Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! I offered to do a job for the Mafia! Oh, sweet Yevon of... Yevon! What've I done?! Oh, man, oh, man-  
Rikku: (slaps him) Calm yourself!  
Tidus: Ah, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...  
Wakka: Brudda, you are so in the dog's doo now...  
Tidus: Maybe... Maybe it's not as bad as we think. Maybe if I just return the package to the Tonberries, and, uh, tell them I've had second thoughts about delivering the package for them, then perhaps they'd just break my legs instead of cutting out my heart.  
Wakka: Yeah, and maybe, just maybe, naked Rikkus will start falling out of the sky and performing non-stop sexual orgies with every man on the planet.  
Rikku: (angry) I take offence to that, Wakka!  
Wakka: I only say it 'cause you're beautiful. One million horny Final Fantasy fans can't be wrong.  
Rikku: That is just so totally sexist, Wakka! Who are you to judge that all Final Fantasy players are guys?!  
Tidus: Will you two knock off the crazy talk?! A man's life is a stake here!  
Wakka: Yeah, yours. So why should me and Rikku give a rat's?  
Tidus: D'uh, I don't know, maybe because you're MY FRIENDS!!  
Rikku: Tidus, Tidus, please, don't panic. Wakka and I will get you out of this. We just need some time... and maybe a passport...  
Tidus: I can't believe you two. My life is on the line, and you're cracking jokes. This is just... ugh!  
Wakka: Well, first thing's first. I think you should hurry up and deliver that package.  
Tidus: Yeah, I mean, if I deliver the package, the Tonberries will be happy, right? No questions asked, right? I'm 3000 Gil better off, and I walk away a free man, right?  
Wakka: Wrong to every one o' those things. Y'see, Tidus, firstly, Tonberries are never happy, no matter what. Secondly, they're awfully inquisitive, and they'll grill you and ask around, even if you actually deliver the package or not, and thirdly, and this is the really, really bad news, my friend, Tonberries always ask for more. Always.  
Tidus: Ask for more? Sorry, I... I'm just not getting this. Whaddya mean, ask for more?  
Rikku: He means, that now the Tonberries have gotten you to deliver this one thing for them, they're always gonna keep you in mind for any future packages they may want delivered.  
Tidus: Oh, my Yevon! We've gotta go to the cops!  
Wakka: No can do!  
Tidus: You do have cops in Spira, right?  
Wakka: No. But even if we did, it'd be no use. There are Tonberry gangs all over the world, brudda. Even if you send one of 'em down, the rest are still out there. Hiding in caves, burrowing underground, renting apartments in a town near you, everywhere. You gettin' rid of one gang, isn't gonna make the problem go away. Y'see, those remaining gangs are gonna be pissed, and they're gonna come lookin' for ya. You can bet your sausage on it.  
Tidus: Ah, crap! (pause) I wish I had some furniture to sit on right now...  
Rikku: This is no time to be sitting around, Tidus. If you wanna live to see another day, then you've gotta get that package delivered, pronto.  
Wakka: Rikku's right. Get the package delivered, then we'll decide what needs doing next.  
Tidus: Yeah, and hopefully the solution you'll come up with will be "nothing". I need to lie down.  
Wakka: There'll be plenty of time to lie down when you're dead. Now, get your ass into gear, brudda.  
  
(Cut to Kilika, the port. Tidus gets off the S.S. Winno and walks towards the bar.)  
  
(Cut to the bar. Tidus walks in and sits down in the corner. A man walks into the bar and takes a seat at Tidus' table. Tidus slips him the package.)  
Man: (sweatdrop) Whoa!! I only came in here for a beer, man!! Leave me out of this!! (leaves)  
Tidus: Ugh! (an old woman walks in and takes a seat at his table) Beat it, lady. I'm waiting for someone.  
Old Woman: So, you're the new boy, huh?  
Tidus: New boy?  
Old Woman: Never mind. Just gimme my damn marijuana.  
  
(Cut to Luca, the Luca Apartments, Tidus' apartment. Tidus walks in through the door.)  
Tidus: Man, I am sure glad that's over with. Never again have I been so pleased to set foot inside this apartment.  
Wakka: (he and Rikku are sitting on the couch) Uh, Tidus?  
Tidus: Oh, great! You guys set up the couch for me! You didn't have to do that! Thanks a million!  
Rikku: Ahem...! (a Tonberry walks in from the kitchen area)  
Tidus: (gasps) Who're you?!  
Don Tonberry: (Italian accent) Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Don Tonberry. You must be Tidus, our new boy. Pleased to meet you.  
Tidus: Ho... How'd you find out where I lived?!  
Don Tonberry: It wasn't hard. I just had one of my boys follow you home yesterday after you left the Monster Arena.  
Tidus: You've been spying on me?!  
Don Tonberry: "Spying" is such a strong word. I prefer "keeping an eye on". I see you have delivered our package. That is good. It also relieves me, since I will not have to kill you now. I don't think I could live with another death on my conscience.  
Tidus: Eek!  
Don Tonberry: Now, you are probably wondering why I am here, yes?  
Tidus: To make sure I delivered the pack-ack-ack-age?  
Don Tonberry: Yes, but also to ask you for another favour. I would like it very much if you could deliver this (pulls out a small box) to a contact in Macalania. I would be most, most grateful.  
Tidus: I'm... I'm sorry, Mr. Tonberry, but... I can't. (Wakka and Rikku gasp)  
Don Tonberry: You can't?  
Tidus: No, sir.  
Don Tonberry: Very well. Then I am sorry to trouble you.  
Tidus: Huh?  
Don Tonberry: I thought I would be doing you a favour coming round here to offer you a little light work. However, if you are not interested, then it is no problem. I shall see myself out. (Tidus, Wakka and Rikku are gobsmacked) Oh, and here is the money we owe you for that kind deed you performed on our behalf. (gives Tidus a bag of Gil) It's all there, but feel free to count it, just to be sure, and if you find that there is any missing, then please do not hesitate to form a complaint at our head office. It's just outside the Cavern of the Stolen Fayth, you cannot possibly miss it. Good day. (leaves)  
Tidus: Wakka? Rikku? Would you mind explaining what the hell just happened then??  
Wakka: ...oh, now I remember! It's the Cactuar Mafia who are the real bad asses in Spira, not the Tonberry Mafia!  
Tidus: You don't say?  
Wakka: No! (laughs) I'm always gettin' those two mixed up! Why didn't you correct me, Rikku?  
Rikku: Uh, to be honest, I didn't know what the heck you were talking about to begin with.  
Wakka: Oh...  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
